Ghosts (3/30/07)

I think I like history because I like ghosts. I’ve always liked ghosts; probably not more than any other kid. However, there are a few things that accent my love of ghosts which may not be so typical. For instance, the house I lived in as a child was a funeral home before I lived there. It was a large Victorian house with lots of nooks and crannies, and it was while living there at age four that I learned what a funeral home was. Even then, my definition was lacking, because I thought funeral homes were like graveyards. I thought that funeral homes were where dead people were stuffed into closets and window seats (especially window seats) willy-nilly and then left to do whatever it is dead people do. That is to say, I thought the dead people were still there. This didn’t make me frightened, only cautious.

I may also add: my mother took me to the graveyard for fun. I don’t know what normal kids do with their moms on summer vacations, but mine were spent making rubbings of old gravestones. I liked hot pink gravestone rubbings particularly.

And, too: my mother was a storyteller and historian, working in historic farms in Illinois and across North Carolina. When I wasn’t tensing up in a 19^th century attic convinced that something was moving, my mother was practicing one of her macabre traditional Appalachian folk tales on me. These were stories where family members killed each other and then came back from the beyond to recount their harrowing tales to unsuspecting children. I never learned the correct lesson from these stories. Instead of “Love Thy Brother”, I invariably came away with “You never know what houses are haunted, or which girls/inanimate objects are possessed, so watch the fuck out.”

I live by a graveyard now, one of the most exciting bonuses about my move to Chicago. It’s old and gigantic, and when I ride the el to work I love to look out the window and look for patterns in the gravestones. Sometimes they look like words. In the winter they gleam like mirrors in the snow.

I’m just now finding out about all the ghosts in my neighborhood. I live up the street from the Green Mill, noted hangout of Al Capone. And when I stand on the platform at my el station and see the roadies on the fire escape of the neighboring Aragon Ballroom—they’re standing on the exit to Capone’s private box. Charlie Chaplin also lived in my neighborhood, and shot a film here before taking flight from Chicago. What is most interesting is that my neighborhood has long been a refuge for people of all races and walks of life. Displaced Appalachian coal miners moved here around the same time that Native Americans were relocated. Immigrants from all over the world have found their home here. Now I’m here. I’m part of that.

But for all the theoretical, or intellectualized, ghosts that are all around me I have yet to see an actual ghost. An actual ghost like with translucent white robes and all that nonsense. It seems unfair to me, and I’m always a little jealous of people who claim they have seen ghosts. I also have a tendency to disbelieve. I feel like, I want to see a ghost really bad. I am open to that. If a ghost were to appear before anyone, wouldn’t they choose a willing spectator? Thus, if a ghost has not yet rattled its proverbial chains at my bedpost, why should I believe you?

The thing I am most frightened of is that they do not actually exist. Ghosts are my last bastion of spiritual belief. I don’t believe in anything that can not be seen, except ghosts. It’s just that the idea of real live ghosts (so to speak) is so exciting that I’m not willing to give it up. There comes a point as a child when you can no longer believe in all the characters your parents have created for you: the easter bunny, santa claus, the tooth fairy, etcetera. Even so, ghosts persist. As an adult, I have gone further to question my belief in anything, namely God. If I give up on ghosts, I will have given up on it all. There will be nothing invisible left. So I cling to the hope of seeing proof positive that specters are real. I collect ghost stories of friends and hang on their every word because maybe one day one of them will be too believable to be brought down. And I do a double take when I walk in my ancient neighborhood, because you never know what’s haunted. So look the fuck out.