Fuckabees.

-originally posted: january 4, 08.

listen up, y'all; it's about to get serious. and by serious, i mean this: mike huckabee is a fucktard. if you are offended by that word, thank sara donnelly for permanently fixing it into my lexicon. maybe you haven't been following the race for nomination or the caucuses very closely, and you're thinking, "why is mike huckabee so bad? he seems cheerful." well friends, let me steer you in the direction of this:




now, if this weren't legit, it would be funny. however, huckabee is really into having chuck norris endorse him. i realize of course that this election seems to be rife with celebrity endorsements (thanks to oprah, i think every white woman in america will now be voting for obama). nonetheless, i appreciate a candidate who takes his/her campaign seriously. this is not achieved by spouting off "chuck norris facts" written by a fifth grader in your campaign ads. the fact that chuck norris is your two word solution to border control does not make me want to vote for you, mr. huckabee. it does confirm my previous assertion about you (see above).

chuck norris aside, this guy is very upfront about wanting to put jesus back in his place: the oval office. i think the last thing this country needs is a baptist preacher furthering us along our path to righteousness in the heathen middle east. i really don't care what he believes in, as long as he keeps it to himself and doesn't use it to say, overturn roe v. wade, put prayer in school, or cast gay people out onto their own island. after all, as the bible says, "when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you" (that's from the book of matthew). the point is this: it is unfair to base policy on your personal religious beliefs instead of what is actually best for a nation of culturally and religiously diverse citizens.

anyhow. it's not just the chuck norris and the praise jebus that get me in a tiffy. there are also such things as his love for guns, his plan to scrap income tax and have 28% sales tax (which i think would really destroy my life as a waitress), and of course: his hatred of my gay homosexual mom and her lesbo life partner.

Listen Up, Great Lakes.

Dear Michigan,

What are you thinking? Wait. Let me be more direct. Have you ever seen the movie "They Live"? Are you comprised entirely of those people? You haven't seen it? You should. It stars Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Maybe you like Mitt Romney because he says things like this: The American values that have been at the heart of our historic rise to world leadership are being challenged everyday. Or maybe it's this bold statement that really grips your tender souls: Closing the achievement gap is the civil rights issue of our time. I thought the civil rights issue of our time was making the homos into full citizens...whatever. Maybe, Michigan, you just really like the idea of spending less money on everything except the military.

Personally, Michigan, I view a Mitt Romney-era America as one who hunkers down in an old ramshackle lean-to with a sawed off shotgun and a tube of beef jerky. When other countries come to visit, MittRomnica just yells some sort of garbled nonsense at them and throws grenades constructed with plans from The Anarchist Cookbook. ...But that's just me.

I guess you see it differently. Maybe Romney is right: marriage is only sacred when there's both a p and a va-g, embryos are never to be tinkered with or aborted, the best way to ensure that no child is "left behind" in school is by keeping standards level across the board (no matter if they came to school in a BMW or if their daddy's in jail and mom's always drunk), and the best strategy for Iraq is to win that shit good.

Wow, Michigan. I mean I know that you're all upset because your economy is so rough-and-tumbly, but do you think Romnobot is going to help you out? He's going to be too busy pulling funding from every social program that exists so he can outfit every man, woman and child in this nation with a handgun or two. So maybe y'all should be reading up a bit on armed self-reliance, because I think that's going to be your best bet with this guy.

And also, I'd like to say to whomever it was who made the decision to only include Hillary's name on the Democratic ballot: you are a sucker. I mean, I like her and all but seriously. Don't do me like that.

Love,

Ashley VB Rogers