Listen Up, Great Lakes.

Dear Michigan,

What are you thinking? Wait. Let me be more direct. Have you ever seen the movie "They Live"? Are you comprised entirely of those people? You haven't seen it? You should. It stars Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Maybe you like Mitt Romney because he says things like this: The American values that have been at the heart of our historic rise to world leadership are being challenged everyday. Or maybe it's this bold statement that really grips your tender souls: Closing the achievement gap is the civil rights issue of our time. I thought the civil rights issue of our time was making the homos into full citizens...whatever. Maybe, Michigan, you just really like the idea of spending less money on everything except the military.

Personally, Michigan, I view a Mitt Romney-era America as one who hunkers down in an old ramshackle lean-to with a sawed off shotgun and a tube of beef jerky. When other countries come to visit, MittRomnica just yells some sort of garbled nonsense at them and throws grenades constructed with plans from The Anarchist Cookbook. ...But that's just me.

I guess you see it differently. Maybe Romney is right: marriage is only sacred when there's both a p and a va-g, embryos are never to be tinkered with or aborted, the best way to ensure that no child is "left behind" in school is by keeping standards level across the board (no matter if they came to school in a BMW or if their daddy's in jail and mom's always drunk), and the best strategy for Iraq is to win that shit good.

Wow, Michigan. I mean I know that you're all upset because your economy is so rough-and-tumbly, but do you think Romnobot is going to help you out? He's going to be too busy pulling funding from every social program that exists so he can outfit every man, woman and child in this nation with a handgun or two. So maybe y'all should be reading up a bit on armed self-reliance, because I think that's going to be your best bet with this guy.

And also, I'd like to say to whomever it was who made the decision to only include Hillary's name on the Democratic ballot: you are a sucker. I mean, I like her and all but seriously. Don't do me like that.

Love,

Ashley VB Rogers